Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
