Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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