Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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