Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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