Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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