she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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