I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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