She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
