HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
