Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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