I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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