you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
