I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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