my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
