The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
