Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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