i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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