So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
