Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
