Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
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Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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