cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
