I hate your face
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
