Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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