exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wish my penis had a tongue
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
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I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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