Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
