Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
