If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
