Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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