It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
