I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
