i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
