Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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