who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i think my cat just said my name.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
