It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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