I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
