Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
