Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
