First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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