i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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