the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
