Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
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She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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