I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
