you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
