Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
