Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
