remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
