Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
