My Higher Power is John Stamos
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
