I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
