12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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