i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
