I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
