I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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