I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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