Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
